maybe the hardest thing about my life these days is my ultimate inability to just be still.

be still.

shit, i do believe that i spent a good 17 years with those two words from my mother's mouth echoing in my cranium. as i type, i can still hear her saying them now. from hundreds of miles away.

that's the problem with me, see. i don't think i can ever be still.

don't get me wrong, i do a pretty good job of hiding it on a day-to-day basis. in most social situations, i can calmly interact (though depending on the circumstances i often have to sit on my hands) without any major jumpiness. but there is something inside of me that keeps bouncing against my skull, back and forth, tickling neurons, running up and down my spinal cord until i feel like i'm going to explode from un-exerted exertion. (what does that mean?)

sometimes when i'm in class i want to jump up and down and scream. catch the holy ghost of physiology and run up and down the aisles yelling about my decreased pulmonary resistance and increased venous return.

it's not always that nerdy.

i feel the need to shake people. to tell them to WAKE UP, GET UP, GROW UP or SHUT THE FUCK UP.

(there's this great scene in magnolia where julianne moore starts yelling "shutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefuckup!!!" - that's exactly how i feel)

my mind is always everywhere. my mind is throwing chairs out of windows and jumping out behind them. my mind is revisiting the 10th grade production of "the music man," doing the choreography to "shippoopie" or reciting harold hill's "oh we got trouble" monologue. my mind is finding middle names for my unconcieved children. (i like "sholah" - i think it means fire.) my mind is cooking three course meals, in berumda planning the best route in from one aunt's house to another's or arguing the need for a constitutional amendment guaranteeing a universal right to healthcare.

i think people with lots of money and drugs call this ADHD?

either way, my mind and med school have not gotten along as well as they should be. imagine all these things exploding inside of you when all you're trying to do is sit down and read a good 400 of the most confusing pages you've ever seen before.

be still, i tell myself.
be still.

i know i won't make it here if i don't maintain a little bit of control. but what concerns me most is that one day i'll wake up and i will actually be still.