here's the thing.

i need to really get over myself.

like.

yesterday.


yes i'm still here. i'm still thinking and obsessing and living and doing all the things that i've always done, minus, of course, blogging.
these days i don't know what to write about.

someone asked me not too long ago how med school has changed me. i gave him the short answer- a random list of personality traits i now carry along with me on the daily. the majority of the ways i listed were things that i would have frowned upon about two years ago. i knew this would happen, but i didn't know it would be so fast and so easy.
i've been trying to become a part of the profession without the profession becoming me.

med school makes me sad a lot.

i tell myself that it's personality reasons (and that is probably the majority of the "why") but i don't really know why i get so sad being here.

i complain about the people all the time. but surely if i'm the only one complaining about everybody, then the problem has to be me. yikes.

i've also come to the realization that patients will be the death of dr. me. i'm the type that always wants patients to call me by my first name. i ask them "does this hurt?" i tell them my opinions without trying to sound over-complicated. i admit when i don't know something. but everyone wants to tell me this is wrong. so much about medicine, i've found, is building this huge wall between you and your patients. medicine is such a paternal field of study. you have to command this respect from your patients so that they will have no doubt that doctor knows best. it's like my parents used to say when i would get out of line with them "we're your parents, not your friends!"
my problem is i want to be a friend to my patients.

anyway, what's been going on with me is this agonizing internal dialogue with me and myself about why i am doing what i'm doing. there is definitely a part of me that came to med school because it "sounds nice." even though that part of me is small, it won't be ignored. what if this is not what i'm supposed to do with my life? oh, the agony of being twentysomethingish. (yes i turn 25 next month and maybe life is starting to hit me harder...)

the honest truth is i'd rather spend my time with mcs than mds or activists than anatomists. but i don't even know if this is the problem. there's got to be something wrong with me where i can't seem to find myself in any situation here where i really like people. i get so annoyed with everyone and everything, then upset with myself for investing so much emotion in an unchangeable situation.

every time i complain about school to my dad, he says, "well if it were easy, then everyone'd be doing it." and that rings true with me. earlier today i thought, maybe i'm here because i can do this. and there's something i'm supposed to do with all this experience that no one else can.

i sure fucking hope so.
because i'm really tired.